Memorised:

AND FRENCH ORAL EXAM IS iN 2 WEEKS EXACTLY???????????????????? /has not finished writing let alone memorising answers/

Nearly halfway through the 2nd week of the holidays and I still need to

• Finishing writing (I’m horrible ;___;) and memorise general convo + detailed study answers for French
• French listening/reading/writing exam practice
• Exam 1s and exam 2s for spesh
• ACTUALLY LEARN THE PHYSICS UNIT 4 COURSEWORK T________T
• Then do physics unit 4 practice exams
• Uni maths semester 2 exam preparation etcetc
• Lots and lots of practice language analysis/text response/context essays for english because not only can I not write them under the time limit but the ones I write over the limit also suck

As exams are getting closer my ATAR aim is looking more and more unreachable. Need to work a lot harder.

Je suis tellement déprimée. Merde.

This chinese lady came up to me during work and asked me if she was allowed to borrow the books she was holding.

So I was meant to say yes in chinese like “dui” or something like “ni ke yi”

And instead I say “oui”

..Chinese lady asks me a question in chinese and I respond in French. Omg. Quickly corrected myself but WTH T_T … VCE French is brainwashing me.

And later on she went to her husband and was like “”oui” shi shen me yi si?”

Which made me laugh and want to kick myself in the face at the same time

Now is not really a good time to lose all my motivation, energy, willpower, etc

But I sort of have

What now

I’m scared of getting to the end of year 12 and finding out that I didn’t get the ATAR score I aimed for.

What happens if after all that time and effort you can’t get where you want to be?

I have no idea how I’d deal with that tbh.

Lol it really doesn’t seem that long ago that I was in year 7-9 thinking to myself that I’ve still got many years before high school ends. I remember seeing the year 12s around the school and being glad that I had a “long time” before I had to worry about VCE, SACs and exams.. And here I am now. Seriously when did that happen..

Honestly I’m fearing failure. I’m afraid of regretting this year. What if December comes, I get my score, it’s not as high as I wanted, and I’m left to regret not working hard enough/not putting enough effort in? Not like I could do anything by then but still, I don’t want to let that situation to be my reality.

I’m getting used to year 12 I guess; the fact that every SAC counts and this is the most important year of high school, it’s pretty much sunk in. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting this year to be this challenging, but trying to consistently work hard and stay motivated has definitely using all my energy. But I guess that’s my fault for procrastinating, doing late night studying, sleeping late, waking up drained and tired for school, and repeat. And bad marks.. Again, I obviously expected disappointing marks here and there. I know I should see low marks as room for improvement/motivation but so far it’s been hard not to let it drag down my (already low lol) level of motivation. 

Now mid year exams are coming up and the endless SACs.. Then before we know it the much dreaded month of November.. Sigh. /dying

Omg I don't even *Opened the champagne bottle*
Me: Whoa the cork looks weird. Err how are we gonna close the bottle again then..
Mum: You can't. Once you take the cock out you can't put it back in
Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Mum: Eh?
Me: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Mum: ...
Me: The cork mum, not cock.

But why - 12am -
Me: I need to finish this practice essay tonight.. Slap me if I fall asleep. (I was joking btw)
- 2am. Of course I ended up falling asleep on the couch. -
Brother: *Comes up to me and slaps me awake. In the face.*
Me: OW WHAT THE SHIT are you-
Brother: You told me to slap you if you fell asleep :D
Me: Goddammit.