I’m scared of getting to the end of year 12 and finding out that I didn’t get the ATAR score I aimed for.

What happens if after all that time and effort you can’t get where you want to be?

I have no idea how I’d deal with that tbh.

Lol it really doesn’t seem that long ago that I was in year 7-9 thinking to myself that I’ve still got many years before high school ends. I remember seeing the year 12s around the school and being glad that I had a “long time” before I had to worry about VCE, SACs and exams.. And here I am now. Seriously when did that happen..

Honestly I’m fearing failure. I’m afraid of regretting this year. What if December comes, I get my score, it’s not as high as I wanted, and I’m left to regret not working hard enough/not putting enough effort in? Not like I could do anything by then but still, I don’t want to let that situation to be my reality.

I’m getting used to year 12 I guess; the fact that every SAC counts and this is the most important year of high school, it’s pretty much sunk in. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting this year to be this challenging, but trying to consistently work hard and stay motivated has definitely using all my energy. But I guess that’s my fault for procrastinating, doing late night studying, sleeping late, waking up drained and tired for school, and repeat. And bad marks.. Again, I obviously expected disappointing marks here and there. I know I should see low marks as room for improvement/motivation but so far it’s been hard not to let it drag down my (already low lol) level of motivation. 

Now mid year exams are coming up and the endless SACs.. Then before we know it the much dreaded month of November.. Sigh. /dying

Alright let’s do this.

Sigh I cbs. No wait I can’t procrastinate again.

NEED TO FINISH THIS.

Hm but I’m hungry.

I’ll go eat those grain waves.

I’m thirsty now.

Let me pour myself some water.

Okay gonna do some work now.

Damn it’s getting late I better shower first.

Okay homework time for real.

Hey what’s that on Facebook.

Lol there’s another another argument.

Hey they uploaded new photos. Stalk.

Stalk stalk stalk.

Hey look it’s a wall.

How interesting. I’ll just stare at it.

Oh shit it’s midnight I better sleep.

I hate VCE

God I am so productive.

Har har back in those days when I’d log on MSN once I got home from school, leave it on all night, through dinner and studying, and only log off once I went to sleep at night. Yeah LOL nearly everyday. I had a life.

And now I’ve just realised that I log on so much more rarely. Maybe once a week unless someone asks me to go on. If people ask me why I don’t come online anymore I usually just say it’s “too distracting” and I “need to concentrate on studying for year 12”. Which is true.. But half a lie. Yes, it’s distracting. Yes I use that time to study now (though sometimes I pretty much waste that time doing something else lol). The truth is I just don’t really feel like talking to people anymore. At school I act normal, so I come home, and I’m tired. So effing tired. So drained that I just want alone time 99% of the time. I don’t want to start conversations, I don’t want to try to think of things to say, how to reply to people, it’s all too tiring. Yeah that’s me being antisocial but idc. And coming on once a week? Apart from when people ask me to come online, that’s purely because I do still care about keeping friendships. I don’t want to lose people, especially the ones I can only talk to over MSN because of distance or whatnot. So I log on every now and then, to hopefully maintain some of the friendships lol that sounds so sad. Basically I’m just tired, drained. Or maybe I’m just an antisocial downer lol okay cool story bye.

Read More

Okay #1. So I got off the train at Flinders St this morning, and you know how you’re meant to validate your ticket to get out? On one of those thingos *below*. Yeah well usually I use metcards, but today I borrowed someone’s yearly Myki.. And you know how the actual place you scan the ticket is on the side, the bright green bit..

But then, there’s a picture of a Myki card with an arrow showing you where to scan it? Well yeah I tried scanning the Myki on that. The sign. So obviously even after holding it there for like 2 mins it wouldn’t beep. So I was there like “wtf it won’t work!!!!!” until the station lady was like “You scan it on the side bit you know..” with this smirk that made me go so red omg.

Then #2. Yeah I was on the tram, it got to the Melbourne Uni stop. I stood at the door waiting for it to open, for like 2 mins. I didn’t realise people were getting off on the left doors while I was waiting on the right side. I didn’t even realise I was obviously waiting on the wrong side of the tram until some dude was like “Um.. You know the doors only open on the left?” ASDFHDKVNSDLKJVNDSLKJVNKDSVJN WHY AM I SUCH A RETARD

I don’t know maybe it’s just because the reality of year 12 still hasn’t hit me yet, the importance of me working hard this year. Though I can’t really blame my attitude on that. It should’ve hit me, even since the summer holidays.

But my attitude hasn’t changed a bit. I thought after getting a ‘break’ from school on the holidays, I’d be.. Refreshed and motivated by the time school started? But I’m still just as lazy, just as unmotivated. I still procrastinate just as much, waste my time, leave homework to the last minute. School still irritates me just as much.

Looking at my timetable doesn’t help either, looking at the countless SACs/assessments/exams set for the rest of the year, it just makes me want to bury myself away, idk. I know what score I want to get, what course I want to get into, but why can’t I make myself work to get there. I’m fully aware that good marks aren’t just going to come to me without effort, especially not in year 12.

And here I am whining about my problems instead of going out and fixing them, lol pat on the back for me.

Fuck this.